The rules are simple. One new experience a day, every day
for a year. It can be anything – trying a new food, exploring a new coffee
house, taking a new route to work, going to a new state, visiting a zoo for the
first time – but it has to be something I’ve never done before. And afterwards,
I blog about it.
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While watching Eat Pray Love this past Sunday, Julia
Roberts’ character really resonated with me in deep way. It set a fire ablaze
inside of me. It made me realize that I’ve been waiting on the sidelines for
someone else to step up and make a change in the way my life is run.
And I’ve been unhappy recently. I guess that’s the reason
I’m doing this.
I say unhappy lightly; I don’t mean unhappy like I have to
pick up an extra shift at work and I’m disgruntled over it. I’ve been in some
dark places lately. So dark that I couldn’t even find the drive to hate myself
like I wanted to. I’ve felt nothing for a long time. I’ve been completely numb
to feelings and emotions. It’s left me tired and terrified and at certain
breaking points, has even left me sobbing into clenched fists.
Through lots of self meditation and talking with close
friends, I think I’ve found two main reasons why I think that’s been happening to me.
My parents got a divorce last year. They absolutely hate
each other. They’ll deny it but when you’ve been around the two of them for 20
years, you can pick up on the signals. It’s nearly impossible to find a balance
with them. I’m usually the middleman. And I love both of my parents, don’t get
me wrong… but I still get really angry over divorce-y things sometimes.
The worst part is, I have no one to express my anger to.
Nobody wants to listen to a divorce child complain about her parents. It builds
up and bubbles over and I burst sometimes. Not often, but it happens. It’s
never pretty when it does. It usually comes in the form of me crying on my bed
while my cat licks my face and tries to make me feel better.
I told you it wasn’t pretty.
I also made the amusing little mistake of falling in love
this year.
I’ve always wondered if I would ever have an “aha!” moment
when it comes to love like you read about or see in movies. Or if I would just
comfortably settle into whatever hand was dealt to me and not ask questions
about why I loved the person I was with. Or if I would ever even find someone
who would love me and want to be with me. Those are the things you think about
when you hang up your posters of cute English boy banders and hug your cat as
you contemplate your forever alone-ness. Wait, that’s just me? Well this is
awkward.
I had my “aha!” moment the other day. My “Oh, look at that.
I’m totally and completely in love with you. Huh. Who would have thought?”
moment. And it was beautiful and horrifying at the same time.
It’s funny because no one ever tells you that he's not gonna love you back. (When I say
funny, I mean heart crushingly depressing. Hahaha ha… ha… it’s so funny.) I
spend most of my time in a constant state of battle with myself because this situation
isn’t new to me. I’m usually the girl that falls too easily as it too afraid to
speak up and admit feelings when they develop. I don’t like rocking the boat.
Why risk losing something that’s going so well?
I torture myself, my mind screaming that I need to do
something. That I have to pick myself up and move on and forget everything
because I’m living a in a fantasy world.
But then I’m with him and the world starts rotating again and turns upside down and I smile and it’s those moments that outweigh the fact
that it’s a one-sided love affair. I’d like to believe that makes me dedicated,
but really, it’s a little pathetic. I guess I embrace that about myself.
So that’s another reason I’m doing this. The main one,
actually. I’m in love with someone else and would do anything for that love but
I don’t love myself nearly as much. Not nearly enough to be happy. That’s why I’m
sad a lot. I don’t want to be sad anymore.
I’m doing this to invest myself in the world, in the
beautiful things around me. I want to be astonished, I want to be at peace with myself, I
want to stand in total awe of something and have it take my breath away. I want to taste flavors I’ve never
tasted, to touch things I’m not allowed to touch, to run downhill on a
residential sidewalk in the middle of the night as I walk home from work when
it’s 20 degrees outside, just because I can and because I have a wild passion
for life.
I need to love myself enough to do all of those things. For
me. Not for anyone else. I need to find my self worth.
And that’s what I’m going to do.
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