Inspiration

I have my biology lab on Thursday evenings and this “new experience” just sort of fell into my lap. We were learning about enzymes and we made cheese! It was a pretty cool process and at the end, nobody wanted to try it. They were all scared it was going to be gross and there are a group of girls in the class that are the bad kind of girls and they act stupid to be cute and they literally make me want to throw puppies off of cliffs… but I digress… they were freaking out and squealing and saying “OMG IT’S SO GROSS SOMEONE PLS SAVE US BECAUSE WE'RE DITZY AND INCAPABLE OF INTELLIGENT THOUGHT.” 

I didn’t punch them though. I promise.

I was the only one in the class (at first) who said they were going to try it for sure. And when I did, it paid off. It tasted exactly like a mozzarella cheese stick. Other people followed after me when they saw I didn't keel over and die. 

I am now a master cheese maker. And taster. If you ever need someone to taste your food for you, I’m your girl.

***************************************************************

Friday was a day of inspiration and contentment and just all around enjoyment. I went to Get Rec’d on campus which is basically an event fair for students to walk around and get bribed into taking fliers and pamphlets by being offered free food and condoms.

One new thing that I did was sign up to get a massage. I’ve never in my life gotten a professional massage, not as a Christmas or birthday present or anything which is rather depressing to me (THANKS MOM AND DAD I'M GOING TO NEED THERAPY OVER THIS). I’ve never even been into a spa. So I'm very excited about getting a massage. 

I'm trying really hard lately to focus on myself and how I feel emotionally, spiritually and physically and I feel like this is me telling myself, I love you enough to do this for you. 

My massage is on Thursday. I'll let you know how it goes down.

I also took the first step in volunteering. Planned Parenthood had a booth there that my best friend and I stopped at. I signed up as being interested in volunteering and political action/advocation for them. 

Some of their beliefs listed on the back of one of the pamphlets are “We believe women have an equal place at life’s table and should be respected as moral decision makers.” “We believe that the free and joyous expression of one’s own sexuality is central to being fully human.” And also “We believe in passion for change, for justice, for easing the plight of others, for caring, for living our convictions and for confronting inhumane acts.”

Those are just things that I really identify with and hope to help other people identify with as well. I want to take action to make those beliefs much more widely accepted.

As soon as I get real transportation up here, which will be by Spring Break, I’m going to start volunteering as much as I can and maybe even planning on a career in a field like that.

Friday night was a pretty spectacular night for other reasons too that I’m not going to type for you all because this isn’t a diary and I really and truly don't think you'd want to read my diary. I keep having to tell myself that.

NOT A DIARY TAYLOR. CALM YOURSELF.

***************************************************************

Saturday was completely wonderful because it was the first Saturday in I don’t know how long that I wasn’t scheduled to work. It was a day of sleeping in, having good dreams, and waking up to a feeling of happiness.

That hasn’t happened in a while either. The waking up happy part.

I ate a lot on Saturday, but that isn’t anything new. The new experience comes in when I watched Pitch Perfect with my roommate.

It was actually a really good movie, which I wasn’t expecting. It made me really want to do something.

I’ve been getting those urges a lot lately. I have so much passion and inspiration sometimes and I just squander it away by not acting on it. And lately, I’ve been kicking myself because I’m not doing anything and so many people around me are. I feel inadequate and unimportant. Irrelevant. If other people my age can make a difference, so can I! And I want to so badly.

That’s something I’m going to work on. That I already have started trying to work on. Doing something. Making a difference.

I guess Pitch Perfect was more than just a cute movie about singing with a really hot guy in it.

***************************************************************

Sunday morning I had to get up and go to work. I woke up and realized how lovely it looked outside. And by lovely, I mean horrible. It was dark and rainy and gross. But I still had work and I couldn't call in sick.

Let me put it this way. Walking to work in the mist wasn’t nearly as beautiful or nice as it was walking in the snow. By the time I got to work, I felt soggy and overheated and constricted by the layers I had on. I hated it. 

But… it is an experience that I’m always going to remember. And, you know... at least I have the ability to walk in the rain. Some people don't have the same mobility as me. 

Or, you know, legs... At least I have those.

I think about that and it makes my problems much, much less significant.

***************************************************************

On Monday I did something that I’ve wanted to do for a really long time. There’s this quote that I found on tumblr months ago. And as soon as I read it, I saved it immediately because I felt such a connection with it and it just made me feel things. And I knew that I wanted to somehow design it into a poster that I could hang in my room as a constant reminder of what it said.

Well, I finally made that. I’m not very good at InDesign, but I made my poster anyway. It's a little basic and rough, but I’m actually really pleased with how it turned out. Here, I’ll show you. 

It’s one of the most inspirational quotes I've heard in a long time.

***************************************************************

And today… today I started writing again. Writing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I started writing a novel when I was in the sixth grade and actually got it to an incredible length. Unfortunately, I lost it and to this day I don’t know what happened to it. But even before then, I was writing.

I’ve always been better at writing than speaking. And I have so many thoughts and ideas and stories running around in my head dying to be put down on paper most of the time.

I haven’t written in a long time though. A very long time.

Lately I’ve just had this itching feeling, telling me that I needed to write. Something, anything I just needed to write. I always write in a journal, several times a week, but that’s more of a diary than anything else and that wasn’t enough. I needed to write a story. Something that could be read by other people and invoke emotions and make a difference.

But what??? What was I supposed to write? My mind kept telling me that I needed to write but it was a total douche bag and wouldn’t give me anything to write about.

I spent most of today, while I was looking after my cat because I was worried about him being sick, searching for something. A basic idea would come to me, but every time, I just could never find a jumping off point. A way to turn that into a work of art with real human characters that were going to matter.

I was in the middle of reading a book, Anna Dressed in Blood, when it hit me. I got the inspiration that I’d been looking for me. And immediately, I put the book down and started writing down my ideas. And then I went a step further and began writing Anna’s story. Anna, she’s the character in what I’m writing. (I may or may not have gotten some inspiration from the book I was reading. Don’t judge me.)

I’m really excited about this. My eyes lit up and my heart started beating a little faster when I got my idea. I’m writing about something that I’m very passionate about and also something that I feel is very relevant to society and will also be interesting.

I don’t know if I’ll ever let anyone read it. My main goal right now is just to finish it. Because I am the queen of unfinished writing projects.

I want this to be different. 

Days One, Two and Three Wrapped Into One

January 21, 2013

I’ve got to go back to the day this actually started and work my way down. This first post may not be golden or even remotely interesting at all. I'm working on getting a blogging 'voice'. I've also been starting out small. I've got some more interesting things planned for the future. At least it'll be interesting to me. You don't have to think it's interesting, I guess. Whatever floats your boat.

I woke up on Monday afternoon (Don’t judge me it was a holiday and I didn’t have classes, I can sleep as late as I want because you are not my real mom.) and I was at a loss for something new to do. I had made the plan, but I hadn’t done a very good job thinking it through, of coming up with something further than “Do something new today.”  

By the time I forced myself out of bed though, I looked outside my window and realized it was snowing. If you don’t know me… that means you don’t know I am in love with snow. I’ve grown up romanticizing cold weather. If I could build an igloo and live outside in the snow forever without freezing and dying of hypothermia, I would. I also love playing in snow because, being from Texas, I never got to as a kid.

So the fact that it was snowing presented a problem and a solution to me. A problem because I had work that evening and I walk to work. A solution because… I’d never walked to work – or anywhere, really – while it was snowing.

Monday’s new experience was walking the three miles to work in the cold weather, under four layers of clothes, while snowflakes were falling on my head.

It was amazing. There’s something about walking in cold weather that tears open your senses and burns itself into you. I walked, listening to my music; the Civil Wars and Marina and the Diamonds playing through my headphones. I walked and took in everything around me.

Passing by a certain apartment complex, about twenty minutes into my walk, the scent of laundry detergent permeated the air and I breathed it in as fully as I could.

And I smiled. I smiled because the cold made me smile. Maybe it was because the temperature made the metal of my braces so chilled that I couldn’t keep my lips over them. Maybe, but I don’t think so. I was smiling because I felt alive.

Walking in the snow was gorgeous. It was fucking freezing. But it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and the snow was sparkling and clinging to the bottom of my pants and numbing my legs.

I couldn’t feel my face by the time I got to work. But I could feel energy coursing through me and that was enough.

January 22, 2013

Tuesday’s experience wasn’t quite as picturesque as Monday’s. Actually, it was rather more bloody and violent than walking to work in the pretty snow. It didn’t evoke many emotions or words besides maybe a little confusion and every so often the subdued “Well then…”

I watched 300 for the first time.

In my professional opinion, it wasn’t great. It was strange. There wasn’t much plot unless you consider men in underwear killing people a plot. I was a little thrown by the way the camera moved although I’m never one to judge one’s creative choice.

Let’s put it this way – my favorite movie ever is Titanic followed closely by Donnie Darko. It definitely was neither of those.

The abs weren’t even that great (too much, too tacky) and Gerard Butler in eyeliner… No Gerard. Just no.

I don't regret watching it though because now I'm allowed to have an opinion on it. My opinion is: please, men of Sparta… put some clothes on.

January 23, 2013

Today, I began planning a wedding.

No, not my own wedding. I’m not that girl, although I might have been in junior high. I’m planning my mom’s wedding.

My mom and Darren (my soon to be step dad) are planning to get married in May. (Here’s to hoping it actually happens. I wish I could share with all of you all the stories surrounding this wedding… but this is a blog dedicated to documenting new life experiences, not a diary or a soap opera. Well, not usually.)

It’s a strange experience because I never thought I would have to go through another wedding with either of my parents. But now that it’s happening, it doesn't feel that strange.

I (almost) jokingly asked my mom to let me plan it, never dreaming that in a million years she would say yes. When she did, I told her I was going to make all the wedding favors Mattel One Direction dolls. I think she thinks I’m kidding.

So far in my planning today, I’ve come to the conclusion that I made a good decision not going into an event planning major. My mom will be lucky if she even has a dress to wear and I manage to get McDonald’s there as dinner. It’s also made me realize how small town and redneck my family really is. Welcome to Texas, y’all.

In all seriousness, it’s made me appreciate that I’m good at what I’m good at - and that doesn’t need to be everything. I’m going to keep planning the wedding and if nothing else goes right… at least I know that I will be able to make myself look great that night. And I will really enjoy handing out those Niall Horan dolls. Holla.

The Beginning of a Tremendous Journey...

The rules are simple. One new experience a day, every day for a year. It can be anything – trying a new food, exploring a new coffee house, taking a new route to work, going to a new state, visiting a zoo for the first time – but it has to be something I’ve never done before. And afterwards, I blog about it.

*********************************************************

While watching Eat Pray Love this past Sunday, Julia Roberts’ character really resonated with me in deep way. It set a fire ablaze inside of me. It made me realize that I’ve been waiting on the sidelines for someone else to step up and make a change in the way my life is run.

And I’ve been unhappy recently. I guess that’s the reason I’m doing this.

I say unhappy lightly; I don’t mean unhappy like I have to pick up an extra shift at work and I’m disgruntled over it. I’ve been in some dark places lately. So dark that I couldn’t even find the drive to hate myself like I wanted to. I’ve felt nothing for a long time. I’ve been completely numb to feelings and emotions. It’s left me tired and terrified and at certain breaking points, has even left me sobbing into clenched fists.

Through lots of self meditation and talking with close friends, I think I’ve found two main reasons why I think that’s been happening to me.

My parents got a divorce last year. They absolutely hate each other. They’ll deny it but when you’ve been around the two of them for 20 years, you can pick up on the signals. It’s nearly impossible to find a balance with them. I’m usually the middleman. And I love both of my parents, don’t get me wrong… but I still get really angry over divorce-y things sometimes.

The worst part is, I have no one to express my anger to. Nobody wants to listen to a divorce child complain about her parents. It builds up and bubbles over and I burst sometimes. Not often, but it happens. It’s never pretty when it does. It usually comes in the form of me crying on my bed while my cat licks my face and tries to make me feel better.

I told you it wasn’t pretty.

I also made the amusing little mistake of falling in love this year.

I’ve always wondered if I would ever have an “aha!” moment when it comes to love like you read about or see in movies. Or if I would just comfortably settle into whatever hand was dealt to me and not ask questions about why I loved the person I was with. Or if I would ever even find someone who would love me and want to be with me. Those are the things you think about when you hang up your posters of cute English boy banders and hug your cat as you contemplate your forever alone-ness. Wait, that’s just me? Well this is awkward.

I had my “aha!” moment the other day. My “Oh, look at that. I’m totally and completely in love with you. Huh. Who would have thought?” moment. And it was beautiful and horrifying at the same time.

It’s funny because no one ever tells you that he's not gonna love you back. (When I say funny, I mean heart crushingly depressing. Hahaha ha… ha… it’s so funny.) I spend most of my time in a constant state of battle with myself because this situation isn’t new to me. I’m usually the girl that falls too easily as it too afraid to speak up and admit feelings when they develop. I don’t like rocking the boat. Why risk losing something that’s going so well?

I torture myself, my mind screaming that I need to do something. That I have to pick myself up and move on and forget everything because I’m living a in a fantasy world.

But then I’m with him and the world starts rotating again and turns upside down and I smile and it’s those moments that outweigh the fact that it’s a one-sided love affair. I’d like to believe that makes me dedicated, but really, it’s a little pathetic. I guess I embrace that about myself.

So that’s another reason I’m doing this. The main one, actually. I’m in love with someone else and would do anything for that love but I don’t love myself nearly as much. Not nearly enough to be happy. That’s why I’m sad a lot. I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I’m doing this to invest myself in the world, in the beautiful things around me. I want to be astonished, I want to be at peace with myself, I want to stand in total awe of something and have it take my breath away. I want to taste flavors I’ve never tasted, to touch things I’m not allowed to touch, to run downhill on a residential sidewalk in the middle of the night as I walk home from work when it’s 20 degrees outside, just because I can and because I have a wild passion for life.

I need to love myself enough to do all of those things. For me. Not for anyone else. I need to find my self worth.

And that’s what I’m going to do.